13 real-life law school lessons I've learned this year
#1 – It’s not as bad as polio: Law school is a lot like child birth. When you are going through it, it is not much fun and you think to yourself – how the hell am I going to get all of that out of me? When it's over and you look back, it doesn't seem so bad and you tend to selectively remember the good parts more than the bad. I guess that's why people go on having more children and law students come back semester after semester.
#2 – It’s not as much fun as drinking: It is possible to do very little the entire semester and pull out a miracle grade come exam time. It is also possible (and far more likely) that this will net you a less than stellar grade. Hone your study habits to allow for maximum enjoyment of non-law life (read: porn and whiskey) coupled with reasonable assurances of a decent grade.
#3 – Balls get smaller when grades come out: The groups of people who think they will do really well and those who actually do really well contain few of the same people. It is possible for anyone to excel/lag behind. The true measure of any law student is how sick-to-fucking-death everyone else is of hearing you brag or complain. Try to keep that in check and you will do fine.
#4 – If the professor intended for you to work on days 1-9, he wouldn’t have given you day 10: There is no need to rush when an assignment is given. Sure, just when you think you’ve finally got a handle on the work load – you’ll get another heap piled on top…but don’t let that bully you into working sooner than necessary. Never underestimate the inspiration that comes at 2 in the morning the day before your open memo is due. Plus, you’ll get the added benefit of camaraderie with your peers when you are all up against deadline together, chain-smoking and slamming Starbucks Double Shots.
#5 – Get real: Go to the school you really want to go to. Forget about transferring – if you were smart enough to transfer you would have gotten into a better school to begin with. Your fellow 1L’s won’t be fond of your fair-weather student status (unless you are a total prick and then they’ll be pulling for you to get the hell out of there). Nothing can make law school worse than mandating the need to be in the top X% of your class. Be at peace with your decision when you start…if you just can’t get there, re-apply next year or consider business school (where no one is ever happy).
#6 – 8 am is for hangovers and early morning love-making: Avoid taking anything before 9 am. If scheduled for a first year class meeting earlier, take the time to pull your professor aside and explain why that doesn’t work for you. Professors are people just like the rest of us…they put their tacky tweed blazers on one arm at a time just like you and me (ok, just like you). They don’t like having class early any more than you do. Usually, they can’t complain about it but the students can. If enough of you bitchers and moaners pull together, the school is bound to listen up and make the change to accommodate you. That way, you get to sleep in and the professors get to work off those weekend benders. Don’t forget – the school is courting you – you have all the power in the world.
#7 – The Force is not with you: Once you start school, you have no power at all. Whoever told you that you do is retarded. Get one thing straight – you have about a two day grace period to get all of your high falutin attitude worked out of your system. Once you show up for orientation, the school has you by the balls and they know it. They don’t care where you went to school or how cool you used to be at undergrad (like any of you nerds were cool at undergrad anyway). You are just another 1L pawn and until you show some real legal potential, don’t expect anyone to know your name.
#8 – A surgeon doesn’t prep the day before, why should you: Shoot for classes spaced out by a couple hours. This leaves time for general shenanigans all night long while putting off your reading until right before class the next day. The material will be fresh in your mind and the chances you’ll get called on are low (or high, depending on your class/school/professor). Always leave time for lunch. Lunch is the best part of any law school day. Try to work in a cocktail hour at mid-day (anywhere from 10 am to 2 pm). A martini or two won’t kill you but sitting through Civ Pro sober will.
#9 – These things take time: Try to remember that even though you have been thrust into an uncomfortable position with several other people in your same shoes, you’ve only just met them, they aren’t yet your bestest bestest friends, and they may turn out to be a bunch of nutters. You won't truly know what people are going to be like for a couple weeks. Try to establish a sex-free zone of time when you first start (for the single folks). Try to have as much sex as possible (for the married folks…with your spouse…YOUR spouse).
#10 – When in doubt, STFU: Try to understand that you are no longer the smartest person you know. There will be plenty of people who are smarter than you. Just because they aren’t talking a lot in class doesn't mean they don't get it and you do. Keeping a low profile in class in the early days can be valuable to you down the road.
#11 – I am always right: No book/blog/advice is right on point (except for mine). The best part about figuring out law school is figuring out law school…and drinking until you go blind.
#12 – Don’t worry, be lazy: Never fear your inner voice (even if it says “be lazy”). Outlining is for law nerds. Do you want to be a law nerd? Find time to avoid class. It is a common misconception that regular attendance will improve your grades. More accurately, it will increase your frustration and boredom levels. You have classmates – make some friends and get the notes from them. None of it will really matter until you get ready to study anyhow, and you may find that a few days here and there were really just a big waste of everyone’s time (except yours b/c you were out lying on the beach).
#13 – See #10 and #11: Lastly, if you had some friends before you came to law school and you want to keep those friends, don’t talk to them about law school. Law school is boring for law students; imagine how it is for the law school innocents of the world. If your story begins with “I read an interesting case the other day,” or “let’s say I’m a mob boss,” stow it.
